I’m a sensitive person. A very sensitive person. With fibromyalgia, I literally carry my pain and the pain of others in my body. Headaches, achy muscles, overactive nerves, stomach in knots, etc.
I do not like this part of who I am. At all.
My being sensitive helps me be a good pastor. I can emphasize with people and journey into their pain a little bit with them.
It doesn’t help me much during a divisive and angry election cycle.
The last several months have been tough. I feel a bit like a trash compactor. For months, I’ve been taking in all the anger, fear, uncertainty, deep hurt and ignorance like little pieces of trash. I’ve been a good little trash compactor. I push them down until they’re small and out of sight.
I’ve known people who can do that for years. Decades. The pain just gets smaller and deeper and more trash gets piled on top. They can’t even see the trash on the bottom anymore. Can’t quite name what’s wrong because it’s been so long since they’d felt it.
I cannot do that very well. My body, heart and soul let me know loud and clear when there’s too much trash and it’s time to get rid of it.
That’s where I’m at now. It doesn’t feel great. But there’s a resurrection on the other side. There’s freedom. Wholeness. Joy. Jesus calling me to a different way of seeing our world. And I need some of that.
I’m very slowly finding the balance between caring for the one body and soul I’ve got and being an informed citizen who speaks up for my values.
I want to emerge from these last several months as a more compassionate and loving person. I want to love those with whom I disagree. I want to be a part of a faith community where we honor the diversity of thought while claiming we are all children of God.
So just know if the last several months have been tough for you too, you’re not alone. I’m sure I haven’t been the only trash compactor out there.
Carry on, friends. Keep changing the world and taking care of yourself.
P.S. This post is for my Monday night Bible study friends who’ve been patiently waiting for me to post for the last couple months. Love you guys!